Think of the worst thing in the world. Close your eyes while you do this. Think long and hard now because there are a lot of terrible things in the world. Do you have your answer? Well, whatever you thought of isn’t nearly as bad as a movie talker.
Let me paint a picture for you. You just walked into your 6:55PM showing of the film Missing. You ordered your tickets online as you were walking into the mall. You spent the $13.54 to see a new film that you have high hopes, yet cautious expectations for. You print your ticket off at the kiosk and walk into theater one on your left.
You make your way up to seat 24 in row Q and hunker down. Then, to your dismay you see two separate groups of high schools kids walk in. You roll your eyes, but then lock back into watching the preview for 80 For Brady for the sixth time, but your focus is quickly broken by snickering and loud chatter. In your mind you develop a false sense of hope and promise that the banter will cease once the film begins, but deep down in your gut, you know it’s not going to stop.
There’s a few options.
You could kindly ask the teens to quiet down. Now that’s a move that has a 50/50 win rate. They could say “Oh sorry, we’ll quiet down” or they could tell you to fuck off and you have to walk back to your seat with your head down like Charlie Brown.
Option two is to leave the theater and ask an employee to intervene. It’s probably a better move because you avoid an immediate confrontation with the gaggle of adolescent shit heads, but you know the employee will just ask them to quiet down and they’ll then leave and not come back. The situation is not resolved because they’ll go right back to talking.
Now you could always be like me and pick option three; say nothing and deal with it. Had I not been outnumbered about 20-1 and had more of a backbone, I would have attempted option one or two. But because I am who I am, I sat through Missing as these kids conversed about their day and threw popcorn at one another.
I do comprehend that what you’ve read so far makes me sound like an old codger because I’m bitching about kids younger than me, but I harbor a mammoth amount of disdain for any person who talks during a movie. I personally think they’re the scum of the Earth.
Again though, I don’t feel like I’m in the wrong. I don’t feel out of line for being frustrated that one of the teens yelled “W RIZZ” when a scene about a dating profile came across the screen.
(Yes I live tweeted this and probably seem like a massive hypocrite. This is my movie going experience, not yours. Deal with it.)
Now that I’m out of the theater and still somewhat pissed, I’ve begun to ponder proper punishments for movie talkers.
The Electric Chair
I am making one thing clear from the jump; every punishment for an excessive movie talker should result in them dying. No ifs, ands, or buts about it, they deserve death.
The electric chair has been phased out of the death penalty system in America, but I’m game for bringing it back to deal with movie talkers. My proposition is that you cut out one preview at the start of the film and have one of the employees explain what will happen if someone speaks excessively during the movie. They then could turn the chair on to showcase the voltage before turning it off and running the film.
With this punishment, it should be like a great post-credit scene. If someones chosen, they get dragged to the front of the room and sat in the chair for the audience to watch. Feels proper.
The Guillotine
This would be a fun punishment for a film like Gangs of New York or 3:10 to Yuma because the guillotine was still being used in this time period. This would be another one where the person gets to finish watching the film and at the end, the audience gets to watch the talkative perpetrator lose his head.
To save on the clean up process, I recommend that Cinemark or AMC set up a Patrick Bateman esque area of newspapers.
I feel like guillotine execution for movie talkers would be a lot rowdier. Electric chair would take a while to get the charge going, but for the guillotine, theater employees would drag them to the front, put the persons head in position, and then let it fly. Maybe if you saw a movie like Bend It Like Beckham, the patrons could reenact some of the scenes with the persons head? Just spitballing.
Whacked Like Damon In The Departed
This would be a great way for theaters to cut down on the cleanup and eliminate the movie talker right away so patrons could watch the movie in peace. If someone talks a few times too loudly then the manager taps them on the shoulder and says, “can you come with me.” The individual then leaves with the manager and they’re taken to an exclusive room.
When the movie talker walks in the room, he’s encountered by an employee of the cinema who is aiming a pistol at them. It’d be like Wahlberg killing Damon in The Departed.
I imagine that the movie talker is carrying a large popcorn and soda with them so when they’re taken out, the overpriced treats scatter on the floor. This would be a great way to immediately eliminate the movie talker and make sure the people in the theater don’t have to deal with them for the entirety of the movie.
Again, this is just me spitballing ideas because I’m still very pissed about the movie talkers at 11:06PM. I should probably take a walk and cool down.